The ten things that have always confused me about pornography

I must admit I have never really gotten Pornography. I am perverted, and sexually obsessive, but I prefer an erotic story to the image of a coked up woman with a bleached asshole looking uncomfortable at having a python inserted in her.

When I have watched it, it often confuses me.

1. What happens when a woman, or man, go on to live a clean and conservative life and their work catches up to them? We all do fucked up things, but imagine being some soccer mum whose son’s classmates stumble across you in some hard core interracial gang bang action. Try explaining that. There are so many amateur video sites out there; surely this happens twice a day. At least.

2. Why do guys want to watch guys with larger dicks than them, surely it should be the opposite? This one has always got to me. Are they living vicariously though these men? Because to me, it would make more sense to watch a guy with a small dick pleasure a woman, and then as the guy you’d sit there saying, “if his dick could do that to her, imagine what mine could do”.

3. When all these chicks have these big long pointy heels, why don’t they ever accidently poke out some ones eyes? Every one of us has had a sex injury in our life, with all those ho heels in this films pointing up, surely some guy has come in to fast and lost an eye. Or there could be a fatal stabbing. I wonder if/when these accidents are caught on film if this becomes a fetish item of its own.

4. Why is it that straight chicks will watch lesbian porn, and straight dudes don’t watch gay porn? This has always confused me. Many a man has got excited that his lady likes girl on girl flicks, only to suggest a threesome and to get abused. I am yet to find a straight man that admits to watching dude on dude films. Many girls say to me, I like it because girls know how to eat out other girls, and I like watching that. But surely the same goes for dude on dude films, just with the odd moustache.

5. Do porn production houses have optometrists on stand by, so many girls get hit in the eye, surely it can do damage? I’m going to fess up and say that I have never had semen hit me in the eye. I can only imagine that after repeat efforts, this must cause problems, especially with people who have sensitive eyes. And also the force it get squirted with some force at them. Plus semen is not sterile, so you could get infected, you’d be better off to have someone piss in your eye, as piss is sterile.

6. Why have I never found a genre of porn that involves a woman complaining drearily about how the guy fucks her? There would be a huge market for this. Sort of like sadomasochism, but more domestic and monotonous, “You’re not doing it right, hurry up X factor is on soon, we need milk, no I haven’t cum, I’m thinking of your brother…” It would also give the actresses a chance to really branch out and create a real character.

7. Why aren’t dick types classified? Surely part of pornography should be classifying dick types, I would think that men really just want to see a dick that looks like theirs. There should be a grading system circ or un-circ, skin tone, hairiness, ball sack shape and size etc. Otherwise it is just lucky dip.

8. Milf porn, where is the proof, what is the point? I get the whole thing about suspension of disbelief. Just because those two girls look alike doesn’t mean they are twins, but milf porn as a category just seems beyond belief. There is no way we are ever going to know they are mothers, and who cares, if a woman is 32 and hot, does it make it hotter if a child has been squeezed out of her, surely not.

9. Who decides what is Amateur and what is Professional? I understand the distinction between blogging and journalism, but surely the distinction between pro and am porn is much more blurred. Even in Amateur porn someone is making money. And if production values are the difference, quite often in Professional porn there is no cameraman.

10. Can a kid sue his mum if she was in a preggo porn film if they are the kid? I checked with a lawyer about this, and no they can’t. But they should be able to. Preggo porn, and I think pregnant woman are as hot as curry, is pretty wrong, not least because one day the kid could accidently grow up and search youporn. There is no way to apologise to a kid once you have used your pregnancy with them to make fetish porn.

Don’t forget to check out my new cricket book, ‘ashes 2009: when freddie became jesus‘

When A Cover Song Redefines A Pop Icon.

I think cover songs are crap. There, I’ve said it.

Ok, I’ll be fair, only 98% of cover songs are crap.

However, occasionally when the Pop Gods spread their palms, and send clouds of fairy floss gently sprinkling to our earthly kingdom, a rare and magical thing can happen.

In this moment a great musician can take a song, turn it on its head and fill it with a pathos and depth you never knew was there.

When I saw this clip of Neil Young performing a cover of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, tears began to well up and a frog caught in my throat.

The clip made me remember those days coming back from high school to watch Fresh Prince in a whole new light. Now when I look at the Fresh Prince through the eyes of Neil Young, I see and I feel his pain.

Will Smith, the man. Lest we forget the gravitas and emotion he brought to the role of Fresh Prince, I’ve included the clip where the he breaks down in front of his father below. Have a handkerchief handy.

I salute you Will Smith. And I applaude you Neil Young for making us all pause for a moment and reflect on our own lives.

For within the pop lies the universal pain of the human experience.

Phenomenal hair and common methodologies of monster vanquishing.*

(*This blog entry could not have been made without having blatantly taken the juicy clip and poster from the ‘The Daily What’ which can be found over here: http://thedw.us/)

Pop culture has always been about big hair. And hair doesn’t get any bigger than in this next clip.

The guy has cool hair, really cool hair. I like it how it blows so freely in the wind.

And of course it’s a magic clip and song. Close to perfect.

Do yourself a favour and watch it in fullscreen hd with headphones on.

(NB: no embed, so click please the link, then you come back read many happy’s on the most common methodologies of monster vanquishing.)

WeWereMonkeys: Land of Talk – It’s Okay from WeWereMonkeys on Vimeo.

BBC to air views of BNP

There are alot of people angry that that icon of what is right in the world, the BBC, is going to let the dirty stinking racists of the BNP party on their screens.

I am not.

Racist groups often hide behind the fact they are supressed by the mainstream media.

You can’t hide on the BBC.

Their leader Nick Griffen will have to answer questions that will make him uncomfortable.

He will have to admit to things that will lose him casual supporters.

His group will be distinguished from people who are frustrated with the current political climate, and instead he will be exposed as a racist.

The best way to let racists expose themselves as idiots is to let them speak.

Don’t let them say the Jews are trying to stop us talking, let the cunt speak, he will fuck up, like most racists do.

The more air time radical racists get, the more times people get to hear them sound like dicks.

Free speech works because you get to hear all the people speak, and then work out who the idiots are on your own.

People deserve to know that the BNP are just as full of shit as any political party, that their policies actually make no fucken sense and completely that just like most racist groups they try and hide their real selves with well dressed Mouth pieces who say racist things in PC ways while claiming they hate poliocal correctness.

It’s time for a bit of Clitter!

After Jrod’s rant at the reprehensible Hey Hey It’s Saturday (yes, thankyou Daryl Somers for reverting Australia 20 years in the eyes of the world. People were finally beginning to accept that we don’t actually go jumping around on kangaroos and you pull this stunt….You say Americans find this offensive? The world finds this offensive, you are offensive, go join Kyle Sandilands in some dim, dark corner where none of the rest of the world ever has to hear from you again….oh hang on….back to the blog…..) I thought it was time to share a little joy with you Born Again brethren. It is time for shimmery, glimmery thoughts full of Clitter!

With that in mind, I bring you the following video, for those times in your life when you’ve experienced smelly muff or the discomfort of knowing something just wasn’t right down there.

This one is for the ladies, and for those blokes that love to love them. And for the ladies that love the ladies. And for the blokes who love the blokes but still can admire the ladies. And so on. It’s Clitter time, yes Clitter time…..