So we thought there would be no better way to show our love of this perversity, then to pat ourselves on the back as we prance about like prim show ponies while offering up our own dose of pop culture in the form of a little music video created by none other than BS2 (think Bananas in Pyjamas, only this time it refers to the 2nd contributor to this here Blank Suburbs blog and he is not currently wearing pyjamas. Nor in fact is he a banana dressed like John Lennon singing mellow yellow.)

So without further ado click on the image below to view ‘Hit The Bottom‘ (best viewed in fullscreen):

Then if you’re still feeling bored, a little perverse, and in need of some hilarious entertainment watch Reggie Watts in this clip as he gets in his stride and ‘take(s) the shit…..and put(s) it in a glass bowl’ with F*ck Sh*t Stack………..

You can itunes it here.

You can download part one here, part two here.

Or just go here to listen to it.

Here is a bunch of links to shit we talk about.

My toe.

Shark in Venice.

Stingray Sam (fredward).

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus.

Jedward.

It’s bitter and sweet, right? What you got here is contraction and expansion. Absolute and relative. Don’t get me jam! No fucking jam. See, I don’t like raspberry jam, because it’s too tart. I do like strawberry jam, but it’s a bit too sweet. What you got with marmalade is fucking bitter and sweet.

This is an excerpt from Guy Ritchie explaining how he goes about his films.

I should say that I don’t hate Guy Ritchie, far from it, I really enjoyed Lock Stock and Snatch, and even went into Revolver with a positive frame of mind, which was wasted on the film itself.

The whole Kabballa, Madonna faux Cockney thing is a bit shit, but I don’t hate Polankski films just because he ass rapes young girls (that reminds me, is that old bastard in jail yet?).

Artists do get up their own ass some times. I’m up mine now.

We try and explain things in a way that makes them sound way more intelligent than we are.

But Ritchie, you can’t pretend you are making the equivalent of Marmalade films when the last film I saw of yours was Rock’n'rolla, and it was cockney action film by numbers.

It wasn’t a steaming pile of shit, like say Revolver, but it was just a film.

Not Marmalade.

It didn’t provoke me, it wasn’t bitter and sweet, it was just a action film, far from the best or worst of the genre.

That is ok though, film making is the hardest art, because you have to convince other people to give you money, and that means compromise.

Some dude with a canvas can do an illustration of a vulva’s inner turmoil, but convincing a film financier to do the same might be tougher.

Ritchie’s films, when he is at his best, are fun.

That is a good thing, no he isn’t Aronofsky looking for the deeper meaning of life in the cum tree, or Jim Jarmusch redefining the very idiom of no plot, but people like his films just the same.

They don’t like them because they contract and expand.

They like them cause cool shit happens, people swear, the good guys keep digging themselves in shit and then they end with a satisfactory end.

Everytime Ritchie has strayed from that premise film audiences have said “meh”, or real words.

That is not to say he shouldn’t experiment, but the thing with experiments is they often don’t work.

And most people fucken hate Marmalade.

Then she disappeared off the celebrity radar. I forgot about her. She was replaced by Pamela Anderson, then Uma Thurman, and then finally by Natalie Portman. But these days celebrities never truly disappear, they just sell records in Paraguay and then their careers are briefly saved by a scandal or by celebrity reality shows.

Recently Fox has been in the show that rejuvenates the career of many an English star, “I’m a starved of attention ex-celebrity and I’m willing to eat wombat faeces to get famous again”. Or something like that.

This means that she is now back in the media spotlight, however briefly. Because of this I have found out many new facts about Sam, like she was the first westerner to play in some place I have forgotten, and she also makes the amazing claim that she is a lesbian. She backs this up by a potential marriage to a lady.

Apparently this whole thing happened in the last few years, I assume before the world showed any renewed interest in Fox. But I still find it weird that I never knew, how is it possible that Samantha Fox, who started my smut filled life, could be a lesbian and I wouldn’t know about it? How quickly we forget our first lust.

For the average boy the timeline goes; boobs, lesbians, then you get your kink on. Something like feeding a girl your semen on a family heirloom spoon, or only trying to sleep with chicks with a lazy eye. So had Fox come out as a lesbian when I was being awakened (and after someone in the schoolyard had clued me into inner workings of Sapphic love), the outing could have been a huge deal for me back in the day. It may have changed my entire life.

Instead of the natural progression from glamour model to semi porn star to cool actresses to Natalie Portman, I may have just stayed on Samantha Fox, like some obsessed manchild running her fan site and searching the Internet to abuse anyone who dares to make a joke at her expense.

I’d probably still live at home too, with pictures of her blue tacked on the wall, and some crappy signed publicity shot in a cheap frame just above my bed. Not to forget the secret cum towel I’d have for when I gazed up at these poorly composed shots of her from the 80s. I may even like her music, and duel with trolls on old Videos of Fox on youtube.

Luckily none of that has happened. And the news of Samantha Fox’s sexuality, while a surprise, has had no impact on my life outside of this post. Perhaps because there have been other women since then, perhaps because the thought of lesbians was ruined when my mum kissed another woman in a play, or just perhaps because the sexuality of a woman I haven’t thought of in 20 years is not that important to me. Even if her breasts started it all.

In all the emotion of this, I may have lost my point, but Sam says it best:

An English company is running something called the blog paper, and was asking for bloggers to put their work in.

I thought why not give them some porn, and bugger me if they didn’t print it in their paper.

Unfortunately, they didn’t put a link to this blog, but to another one I write on that people actually read.

Regardless it was a triumph for this blog and its sexual deviancy.

The blog paper is also available online (thinking about that will do your head in) and you can see my article on page 14.

The picture they have used for my story is a digitalised sex image.

They probably did it due to some moral decency thing.

But little do they know that I regularly masturbate to pixilated porn.

I win.

It certainly isn’t porn, although like most things in life it could be used in porn.

It is an apparatus to help women pee standing up.

I know some religious types out there will think that women pissing while standing is a slight against god, allah or Johhny Cash.

But this is a part of evolution (or intelligent design for you sticklers) that has been lacking in the past.

Surely if there is a creator, or creators, then this was an oversight.

Women pissing while standing has so many advantages. As the SheWee company is willing to tell us.

When faced with a grubby public toilet – In foreign countries with unconventional facilities

- When giving a specimen for medical testing – When you are stuck in traffic (a bottle would also be required!)

- When on a long wa lk in the country – Elderly or disabled women who find bending difficult

Occupational uses:

- Women in the armed forces; camouflaged bottoms will no longer be necessary – Commercial drivers

- Police Women

Hobby related uses:

- Climbers

- Campers

- Skiers

- Festival goers (we all know the stories about the toilets at festivals!)
- Hikers/Ramblers

They have forgotten a few, like sword fights, writing your name in the snow, and kinky sex toys.

There are also instructions:

1. Undo trousers. Pull down the front of your underwear or push to one side. Place Shewee securely against your body.

2. Direct outlet pipe away from body and out of trousers. Ensure Shewee is positioned in an effective and comfortable position. Aim urine to a suitable place; into a toilet or away from feet.

3. Once relieved, pull funnel away and use to wipe any final drips. Shake funnel. Replace in resealable bag.

Remember ladies, anymore than 3 shakes and your playing with yourself.

Or, in this case, playing with your plastic device.

When I have watched it, it often confuses me.

1. What happens when a woman, or man, go on to live a clean and conservative life and their work catches up to them? We all do fucked up things, but imagine being some soccer mum whose son’s classmates stumble across you in some hard core interracial gang bang action. Try explaining that. There are so many amateur video sites out there; surely this happens twice a day. At least.

2. Why do guys want to watch guys with larger dicks than them, surely it should be the opposite? This one has always got to me. Are they living vicariously though these men? Because to me, it would make more sense to watch a guy with a small dick pleasure a woman, and then as the guy you’d sit there saying, “if his dick could do that to her, imagine what mine could do”.

3. When all these chicks have these big long pointy heels, why don’t they ever accidently poke out some ones eyes? Every one of us has had a sex injury in our life, with all those ho heels in this films pointing up, surely some guy has come in to fast and lost an eye. Or there could be a fatal stabbing. I wonder if/when these accidents are caught on film if this becomes a fetish item of its own.

4. Why is it that straight chicks will watch lesbian porn, and straight dudes don’t watch gay porn? This has always confused me. Many a man has got excited that his lady likes girl on girl flicks, only to suggest a threesome and to get abused. I am yet to find a straight man that admits to watching dude on dude films. Many girls say to me, I like it because girls know how to eat out other girls, and I like watching that. But surely the same goes for dude on dude films, just with the odd moustache.

5. Do porn production houses have optometrists on stand by, so many girls get hit in the eye, surely it can do damage? I’m going to fess up and say that I have never had semen hit me in the eye. I can only imagine that after repeat efforts, this must cause problems, especially with people who have sensitive eyes. And also the force it get squirted with some force at them. Plus semen is not sterile, so you could get infected, you’d be better off to have someone piss in your eye, as piss is sterile.

6. Why have I never found a genre of porn that involves a woman complaining drearily about how the guy fucks her? There would be a huge market for this. Sort of like sadomasochism, but more domestic and monotonous, “You’re not doing it right, hurry up X factor is on soon, we need milk, no I haven’t cum, I’m thinking of your brother…” It would also give the actresses a chance to really branch out and create a real character.

7. Why aren’t dick types classified? Surely part of pornography should be classifying dick types, I would think that men really just want to see a dick that looks like theirs. There should be a grading system circ or un-circ, skin tone, hairiness, ball sack shape and size etc. Otherwise it is just lucky dip.

8. Milf porn, where is the proof, what is the point? I get the whole thing about suspension of disbelief. Just because those two girls look alike doesn’t mean they are twins, but milf porn as a category just seems beyond belief. There is no way we are ever going to know they are mothers, and who cares, if a woman is 32 and hot, does it make it hotter if a child has been squeezed out of her, surely not.

9. Who decides what is Amateur and what is Professional? I understand the distinction between blogging and journalism, but surely the distinction between pro and am porn is much more blurred. Even in Amateur porn someone is making money. And if production values are the difference, quite often in Professional porn there is no cameraman.

10. Can a kid sue his mum if she was in a preggo porn film if they are the kid? I checked with a lawyer about this, and no they can’t. But they should be able to. Preggo porn, and I think pregnant woman are as hot as curry, is pretty wrong, not least because one day the kid could accidently grow up and search youporn. There is no way to apologise to a kid once you have used your pregnancy with them to make fetish porn.

Don’t forget to check out my new cricket book, ‘ashes 2009: when freddie became jesus‘

Ok, I’ll be fair, only 98% of cover songs are crap.

However, occasionally when the Pop Gods spread their palms, and send clouds of fairy floss gently sprinkling to our earthly kingdom, a rare and magical thing can happen.

In this moment a great musician can take a song, turn it on its head and fill it with a pathos and depth you never knew was there.

When I saw this clip of Neil Young performing a cover of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, tears began to well up and a frog caught in my throat.

The clip made me remember those days coming back from high school to watch Fresh Prince in a whole new light. Now when I look at the Fresh Prince through the eyes of Neil Young, I see and I feel his pain.

Will Smith, the man. Lest we forget the gravitas and emotion he brought to the role of Fresh Prince, I’ve included the clip where the he breaks down in front of his father below. Have a handkerchief handy.

I salute you Will Smith. And I applaude you Neil Young for making us all pause for a moment and reflect on our own lives.

For within the pop lies the universal pain of the human experience.